to be little again, or grown up

oh, make it stop
take back the gifts and set the clock
push back my hair, draw the curtains
sit beside me in a rocking chair
till i sleep

i have asked a hundred times: 'is it over yet'?
it never is
so turn down the sun and let the sky deepen to twilight
in the garden, garden lights come on at night
the sound of cicadas in the trees is like the breathing of the leaves
and the song of the ice-cream truck plays over and over
as it prowls the darkened streets
and screams and whoops wheel like bats against the street-lights

love me, love me more
take away the gray carpet and the falling ceiling, the glass elevator
quiet my heart, but let it keep beating
to meet the faces of the people i keep meeting
and speak, and find a way
love me so much that my hand reaches out and always finds an open hand
so much i can touch the people on the train platform and walk behind them
down the sidewalks of lexington avenue
without cursing the visitors and insulting the rest
love me so that i can be my best

at night, when the last lights go out
and the neighborhood dreams
let us climb down the fire-escape, leap the fences
let us find the best spot in the common garden and lie down

take my hand
we will watch the stars, and the clouds passing over the stars
after a while, we will fall asleep while the sky goes light
first the air paints us with dew, and then the sun laps it up

I'm a little surprised that I didn't have this dream myself.

bring on the ending

here is the world
and here is me

the world:
a thing on rails, but gone off them
the riot of midsummer
walking down the slope
into a pink spaghetti sunset
prone beside the a/c
exploding holes on towns and
crumbling in races
cracked in the forelocks
oars out of oarlocks
hobbled and addled
with awed faces

and me:
here is me, between
amazed, and trying to laugh
done, but game
here is me on the street
headphone music walking,
a song
connects ear to ear
connects breath and sound
ties together the first fallen leaves
which this tree puffs out and replaces
and the days of heat
in fall
and this is it,
this is the ending.

like a frog in a drought
like a fish in a net on a boat
like a mouse stuck to a trap
a cat in a box
a trussed-up pig
a shark that's been finned
just waiting for the other shoe to drop
and there's always another shoe

damnit.

Modern Love, by David Bowie


I dont want to go out
I wont stay in
Get things done

I catch a paper boy
But things dont really change
Im standing in the wind
But I never wave bye-bye

But I try, I try

Theres no sign of life
Its just the power to charm
Im lying in the rain
But I never wave bye-bye

But I try, I try

Never gonna fall for
Modern love - walks beside me
Modern love - walks on by
Modern love - gets me to the church on time
Church on time - terrifies me
Church on time - makes me party
Church on time - puts my trust in God and man
God and man - no confessions
God and man - no religion
God and man - dont believe in modern love

Its not really work
Its just the power to charm
Im still standing in the wind
But I never wave bye bye

But I try, I try

Never gonna fall for
Modern love - walks beside me
Modern love - walks on by
Modern love - gets me to the church on time
Church on time - terrifies me
Church on time - makes me party
Church on time - puts my trust in God and man
God and man - no confessions
God and man - no religion
God and man - dont believe in modern love
Modern love - walks beside me
Modern love - walks on by
Modern love - gets me to the church on time
Church on time - terrifies me
Church on time - makes me party
Church on time - puts my trust in God and man
God and man - no confessions
God and man - no religion
God and man - I dont believe in modern love

Modern love, modern love, modern love, modern love, modern love, modern love
Modern love, modern love, modern love, modern love, modern love, modern love

Modern love - modern love, walks beside me
Modern love - modern love, walks on by
Modern love - modern love, walks beside me
Modern love - modern love, walks on by
Never gonna fall for
Never gonna fall for

Caritas said:
i killed my dignity
Caritas said:
it drowned
Caritas said:
can i have a funeral for it?
in vino veritas says:
how did you do that?
in vino veritas says:
can it be a viking funeral at sea?
Caritas says:
put the shreds of my dignity in a canoe?
Caritas says:
a longboat
in vino veritas says:
on a raft
Caritas says:
that's like buying a mansion for a paramecium
in vino veritas says:
send it to valhalla
Caritas says:
put it in a bottlecap
Caritas says:
and take a picture with an electron microscope
in vino veritas says:
where it can hunt wild boars with odin all day
Caritas says:
my paramecium of dignity hangs out with Howie Mandel
Caritas says:
it sleeps in a matchbox and eats roachbait

tequila busted

i went on a tequila bus a few weeks ago, sponsored by the nice folks at smartmoney.com for their clients, people like me who use big corporations' cash to buy advertising so said corporations can bank more cash. the affair consisted of meeting up at a swanky mexican restaurant, rosa mexicana, for hors d'ouevres and cocktails and then hopping on a 'tequila bus' (in the style of colombian 'chiva' buses, complete with hammocks and saddles and lots of burlap coffee sacks,) and drinking coronas/dancing to top 20 while being driven to a succession of less and less swanky mexican establishments. This ended badly at about 1am with me downing three shots of free patron silver and going home in a sulk after enjoying a little show performed on the bar by girls in Daisy Dukes and bikini tops at some bar on a corner of 10th ave. they set alcohol on fire and danced in the flames. i feel bad for Kali - cheap imitation is not the highest form of flattery.

it wasn't a great night.

i've learned a few things about myself. number one, i'm a sap. (okay, that was low-hanging fruit.) for another thing, i'm too old for this kind of thing. i felt stupid, waiting around all night, drinking half a drink at each bar, watching peeps get drunker and drunker and pairing up. and i went home alone, like pretty much always.

so the number three thing i learned? drink more, 'smart' less.

kali, bring it on.

you can do what you wish
if you forget about winning
if you can let go of wanting
but i know we never will

though we laugh in the dark
and i can dream your lectures away
when the sun comes up
every day is the same

we can reach out when we're liquored up
and come close when our eyes are closed
we can talk on the long walk home
and regret what we expose

they say hope is a rare bird
love is splendid
peace is a river you can never stand in twice
and life is slowly leaking away