many rivers to cross

it's been the worst summer, everything all messed up in my head and in my heart. summer's over now, and winter is breathing down my neck, i need to buy a coat, i need to pick up my sweaters from the dry cleaners. i need to breathe until my chest is full of air, but i can't take a breath.

i had a dream two nights ago that new york was taken over by zombies. a blond man discovered me, holding out, and brought me to a safe house, but as we got to the door, fleeing from these miserable creatures, he told me that he was sorry, but that he found me boring and depressing and that we has going to have to leave me outside. as the door closed in my face, i turned to face the zombies and they bore me down into their smell and slimy arms and started eating me alive, and then less so, until i was one of them.

isn't fall supposed to be cozy and filled with glowing orange light from windows and, i don't know, pumpkins and red leaves and the smell of cinnamon? i feel like i'm in the whirlwind with grit and bricks and snatched roofs and rain, and it's all just a howl wrapped around a vaccuum.

can i quote from buffy? who will blame me?

Going Through the Motions

(Buffy) Every single night, the same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight.
Still I always feel this strange estrangement,
Nothing here is real, nothing here is right.
I've been making shows of trading blows,
Just hoping no one knows,
That I've been going through the motions,
Walking though the part,
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart.

I was always brave and kind of righteous,
Now I find I'm wavering.
Crawl out of your grave, you find this fight
Just doesn't mean a thing
(Henchman) She ain't got that swing.
(Buffy) -pause- Thanks for noticing.
(Demon & Henchmen) She is pretty well with fiends from Hell
But lately we can tell
That she's just going through the motions
Faking it somehow.
(Demon) She's not even half the girl she...owww! (dies)
(Buffy) Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavor.
(Handsome Young Man) How can I repay...
(Buffy) Whatever!
I don't want to be
Going through the motions,
Losing all my drive.
I can't even see,
If this is really me,
And I just wanna be
alive...