"COLOSSAL ZIT" UPDATE
Dateline New York City, 4/14/2005 12:48:00pm

Residents and employees in midtown Manhattan on Thursday afternoon were terrified to discover that an enormous pimple that has blocked out the sun. In the silence following history's first man-made solar eclipse, muted sobbing could be heard from the 6th-floor ladies bathroom of 100 Park Avenue. SWAT teams are assembling, as horrified area shoppers and tourists alike are herded behind barriers erected by FEMA. A Federal Emergency Management Agent on his walkie-talkie was heard to remark that preliminary analyses suggest this monolithic pimple will be blocking out the sun 'indefinitely.' While the President has declined to comment, White House Sources have announced that VP Donald Rumsfeld is being moved to an undisclosed location, as reports continue to flood in describing the possibility of an eruption as "unlikely in the short-term, but liable to create the kind of explosion that would rival the much-hyped Yellowstone Supervolcano."

In response to the developing situation, 'Mayor Mike' Bloomberg has assembled a crack team of 'X-treme' dermatologists, cave divers, geologists and deep-sea oil rig drilling teams to begin the rescue effort.We'll be standing by to report as the situation develops. In related news, recording artists Steven Tyler of Aerosmith has called a press conference to announce that the band will be releasing a tribute soungs to benefit the victims of the unfolding solar disaster, which is tentatively titled ''I don't want to miss the Spring." Industry hacks are already dismissing the track as a shameless marketing ploy, as insiders speculate that humanity has a better chance of landing a space shuttle piloted by greasy rednecks on the surface of a rogue comet than of preventing future breakouts in this new era of terror. Other sources in the scientific community speculate that the ongoing debate over mens' birth control will recieve a new burst of energy from these events, as scientist fight to prevent future incidents.

I guess we'll find out... It's a game of wait and see here on the corner of 39th and Park Avenue in the Big Apple.

Back to you in the studio.