From David Edelstein at slate.com
or, I'm a little frustrated with my career in advertising today

"After reading this article in the Wall Street Journal on the subject of consumer reporters who sell their services to large companies to promote products on nationwide television tours, I want to throw my hat in the ring as America's Go-To Movie Guy.
Studios, agents, publicists: Think about what you spend on an ad in the New York Times with yet more gush from Peter Travers or drivel from some low-wattage radio flunkie from San Bernardino. Now think about putting a fraction of that money into a critic with proven integrity.
How can I lead with my integrity and yet accept your cash? Easy! Just as these consumer reporters insist that they believe in the products they're paid to promote, I will believe in selective, marketable aspects of your movie.
Imagine what I could have done for Oliver Stone's widely reviled Alexander:
Me: Alexander is a colossal movie, made by a colossus of our cinema!
TV Host: But is it good?
Me: Good! What a paltry word. Is war good? Are the most magnificent questions in the history of humankind good?
TV Host: So, go see it, then?
Me: You don't "see" Alexander. Alexander sees you.
Now imagine how I'd pitch everyone's favorite whipping boy, Gigli:
Me: Gigli explores the nature of human sexuality as no American movie has before. It moves the boundary posts. It will leave you astonished at what movies are capable of.
TV Host: Critics are saying it stinks.
Me: Have you ever been in a room full of critics? Do you think critics have experienced the full range of human sexuality? Do you trust critics to report accurately on the fleshy intimacies of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck?
TV Host: So, you're saying they're wrong about Gigli?
Me: I'm saying that truth is subjective and conditional. Gigli should not be seen alone, but with someone to whom you may cling. Then you must explore your mutual feelings, perhaps at Applebee's over juicy steak tips or luscious frozen margaritas in exciting new fruit flavors. [NB: I can do product placement tailored to your movie's demographic.]
Now think about awards time, and here I do have an inside track.
Me: That Natalie Portman has a potent sexuality, doesn't she? And she can act, too, boy.
A.O. Scott: Do you think so? I thought her Queen Amidala was embarrassingly wooden.
Me: See, that was the teasing ambiguity of the performance. By concealing her passion under a Kabuki-esque veneer of formality, she gave one of the most complex depictions of the struggle between the private and the public persona that I've ever seen.
A.O. Scott: Gee, I hadn't thought of it that way. Yes, I do believe you're right. I think I'll give her a rave review in the New York Times.
Act now and I'll append an award reference to every television appearance:
"That will be a performance to reckon with at Oscar time!"
Clearly, it is time to buy up critics as government agencies and corporations have bought up reporters, political commentators, and scientists. So, buy the best. Buy America's Go-To Movie Guy!*
*Extra fees may apply for movies by Lars von Trier."

http://slate.msn.com/id/2117185/#blurb